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When your young child’s behavior is proving to be a challenge, it can be frustrating! But remember, it’s partly down to biology, because the part of the brain that manages impulses doesn’t develop well until children are around three years old.
As toddlers, children have lots of overwhelming emotions, but don't know what to do with them, however, as preschoolers they will be able to use language to express themselves a little. And by the time they are around six, your child will also be able to understand what the consequences of their behavior will be.
So why is it a good idea to help your child learn a little self-control? According to neuroscience researchers Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang, co-authors of Welcome To Your Child’s Brain, impulse control helps your child to stay goal-oriented, manage emotions and make better choices. Plus, they say, it’s twice as important than intelligence when it comes to predicting academic achievement.
While you can’t change your child’s natural temperament, creating rules and doing activities to hone their skills at the relevant development stage is the key. Just try these easy ideas.
Toddlers (ages 1-3)
1. Help your child to label their emotions. Say things like, “I know you’re annoyed because you don’t like the car seat” or “I understand you’re upset that the ball won’t go into the basket.” This will make it easier for them to find solutions and manage them later on.
2. Repeat the rules. Your child will be able to follow simple instructions, like, “It’s not right to push people” or “Please return your toy.” Repeating them will help your child carry these out even when you’re not around.
3. Give your child a “Time In”. If they have an outburst, take them to a space where you can be alone, to help them relax. Being with your child gives them the reassurance that you understand the emotions they are dealing with.
4. Let them be themselves. If your little one is an introvert, don’t expect them to mingle with other tots at a birthday party right away. It’s best to plan around how your child responds to certain triggers – this way, they will have more mental energy to cope with different situations.
Preschoolers (ages 4-5)
1. Reinforce good behavior. By now, your child knows what kind of behavior you expect, and explaining why rules are in place is important. For example, you might say, “We’re going to the supermarket. You can look at things, but don’t touch. You might drop things and disturb other people.” Reiterate this before entering the supermarket.
2. Reading a book? Pick stories that contain character struggles and valuable life lessons. Children are sponges: they soak these lessons in, and pull them out when confronted with a similar situation in life.
3. Talk it out. At this stage, time-ins still work for tantrums. In fact, as your child is now able to communicate their feelings better, it is easier to sit down and talk about them.
Primary school kids (ages 6-7)
1. Set goals together. Self-control sometimes means choosing to give up something we want for something else, often when we are trying to achieve a goal. This could be as simple as giving up a brownie today for a bigger slice of cake tomorrow.
2. Teach your child to think before acting. When they feel the urge to react to a situation, tell them to imagine a stop sign in their head which will remind them to think about how they should behave.
3. Watch and learn. Watching how their friends behave can be key, as when kids see other kids practising self-control, they’re more likely to do the same.
Remember: Lead by example. Keep repeating those rules and instructions, and reward your child for positive effort. Say things like, “I know it wasn’t easy for you to wait with me at the bank, but you did, and I’m so proud of you!” This teaches your child what kind of behavior is good and acceptable.
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